Telephonophobia

So, I searched ‘telephone phobia’ in google, hoping to find something to use for a witty title, and found that I actually do have a telephone phobia. According to Wikipedia, telephonophobia is “a fear or reluctance of making or taking phone calls”. For the longest time, I’ve simply referred to this as my 'telephone thing' but I’m pretty sure now that it’s a phobia.

I hate using the phone.  Having to make a phone call makes me so anxious that my palms start to sweat, and I get shaky. I put it off for as long as possible and try to script what I’m going to say. But I still can’t control or predict what the other person will say, how they will react. After most phone calls, I spend time analyzing what I said and fretting over how I could have said whatever I did say better, how I could have expressed myself more clearly, or wishing I hadn’t said something at all.

There are only two people I’m comfortable on the phone with, and I’m still reluctant to actually make the calls myself with these two: my mom, and my best friend of over eleven years. I do have some level of comfort with other close family members, but not as much as the two previously mentioned.

I prefer to talk in person or send a text/email then talk over the phone, even though hearing a voice is more personal than the later methods of communication. I fear having nothing to say, and the resulting awkward silences. I fear saying the wrong thing, whatever that is.  I fear what the person on the other end is going to say.

I’ve dealt with this for years, and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. I still have no idea what, if anything, to do about it.

Restoring Hope

This young girl gives me hope for the future. She is truly inspiring.

The full quote/poem: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves – ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

The scariest part about this is, after contemplating it for a while, I realised that in many ways this is very true (at least for me). While I think I fear my darkness, I’m beginning to think that maybe I do fear my light more. I’m afraid both of failure and success, which doesn’t really leave much wiggle room. But I think that to chase after my dreams, I’m going to have to let go of my fear of both light and darkness, and embrace both. 

Love this.

“They made him break rocks, thinking they were breaking his spirit. Haha! Little did they know they were preparing him to break barriers of inequality, oppression, and discrimination!” 

There are no words. 

First Step Towards Independence

So, today I finally did something that I’ve been putting off for a while: I got my learner’s licence.

It’s something most teens do – or at least most of the kids in my class did – as soon as possible after they turn fourteen. Me, not so much.

There are quite a few drivers out there who I’m astounded managed to get their licences considering the way they drive. These same drivers scare me. Although to be honest, the thought of doing the actual driving myself is scary enough on its own.

But being able to drive is a useful skill to have. I decided that I had stalled long enough (with a couple of helpful nudges from family). So I got the new Driver’s Handbook that was published this past December, and studied for a good week. Then I took the practice test on the AMA website a few times to make sure I was ready.

I was so nervous today, even though I knew that I was as prepared as I could be. I still freaked out a bit. And I still passed. And it was one of the best feelings in the world when I did.

Before my mom even knew I passed the test, in fact, while I was still writing it, she picked me up this ‘success’ pendent in the second-hand store. I love it! Thanks for having confidence in me mom.  :)

                         (Sorry about the quality of the photo; my phone's camera isn’t the best.  :\  )

Thanks to my brother as well, for having confidence in me (especially when I don’t), and for always encouraging me.

Now I just have to actually get in a car and start learning.

Stumbling Across the Truth

I wrote this almost a year ago now, and I pretty much forgot about it. I only just discovered it again recently. It seems appropriate for what I’m going through, and what I’m trying to do now.

I run

As fast and far as I can

Lungs screaming

Legs burning

Yawning darkness

Looming right behind me

I reach out

Cry for help

No one answers

I can’t stop

Can’t rest

Can’t catch my breath

Can’t find a way out

Then I hit a dead end

Nowhere else to go

No way to keep running

Stubbornly, I ignore

The darkness breathing down my neck

Focus on flights of fancy

On the universe in my head

But reality creeps in around the edges

And I can’t live forever

In non-existent worlds

So I steel myself

Gather all the strength I have left

Turn around

And face it all

The storm surrounds me

I can’t escape the

Anguish

Pain

Anger

But I do not break

I do not fall

I hold on

To fireflies of hope

To sparks of love

And they keep me afloat

A light appears

Out of the darkness

Growing brighter

Revealing warm faces, reaching hands

All that time

I had never really been alone

I had been blind

Now I can finally see

What I had hidden from myself

That while I have been twisted and bent

I am still whole (not broken)

I am still here (not consumed)

I am strong enough

To make it through the storm

I can live.


© Kyrie Gray, 2012